Influence The Next Hard Times Punk News Story

Have I got a story for you!

Influence the next The Hard Times punk news story with your own observations of ridiculous scene shenanigans.

Arguably one of the most trending music website since the Sinclair Is Not Open Tumblr, and the most entertaining online read next to the Apple Cinemas Yelp reviews, The Hard Times, essentially the Onion for punks, has captivated the internets.

With compelling and eerily familiar headlines such as "Man Acts Like He Is First Person to Hang from Rafters", "Punks Organize Benefit Show to Fund Future Benefit Shows" and our personal favorite "Huge Monday Night Show Draws Almost Every Band Member" (James Tran, the band’s drummer, is still a “Maybe” on the Facebook event.), it's easy to begin thinking of your own breaking news stories.

Put your subpar typing skills to the test and submit 10 headline ideas and a sample article to: Ideas@TheHardTimes.net. From social media, to live shows, word of mouth tales and press releases, we've got at least 20 ideas so far.

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Today Junior is Playing A Lot of Local Shows in February and is Letting You Know About It

25% of February will be a Today Junior set. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE.

Allston indie band, Everyday Today Junior, recently posted a flyer on Facebook listing upcoming February shows. 7 dates in all. Please note, Somerville, Allston and Cambridge are not in different states. 25% of the month will be a Today Junior set. You can't be busy every day! Eventually you'll see this band!

An ominous "MORE DATES TO COME..." message leads us to believe there will be a highly anticipated Jamaica Plain show in the future. But we can only speculate.

Shambles Goes To Allston...One Last Time. Final Show 12/23

Shambles cover one last Saves the Day song tonight (12/23) at O'Brien's Pub

Man. Did you hear? Shambles' last show (we won’t say ever because we live in the moment!) is happening today, Tuesday, December 23rd. Ending it where they started it, and where they did all the middle parts, O’Brien’s Pub in Allston.

Shambles is like that nice guy who you’re not that into, but he’s got a cool personality and is great BFF material. And although he might get kind of jealous when you start dating someone, when that someone breaks your heart, he’ll be right there to make sure you have a date to the school dance.

So obviously, we were beyond distraught to hear about Shambles’ decision to break up.

Convinced we weren’t the only ones, we polled the audience for some genuine reactions and asked the question:

What is Allston Without Shambles?

Craigslist Rental Listings - The Downfall of Humanity

Craigslist - A place where real estate agents give zero fucks and you can't do anything about it.

When perusing Craigslist for quality living spaces in a city saturated with college students who harbor the same level of expectations for their apartments as they do their beer and employed thirty-somethings that find themselves tumbling into the cavernous gap that was the middle class – renting in the Boston area proves to be a challenge. Thank goodness we have the expert guidance of trustworthy real estate agents who specialize in rentals. Imagine a world without their sophisticated insider knowledge, helpful photography and honesty.

There has to be a special place in hell for these people. Aside for my interest in the proper use of the English language and taking pride in one's work, just as a self respecting human being alone, I feel extremely compelled to form a taskforce to bring down these wordsmiths who say things like “pristine and elegant” to describe a rusty bathroom last updated in 1978, assume i can look past the absolute squaller their photographs communicate to see the "unique craftsman details", and for being the completely inconsiderate and unprofessional asshole who uses a term like “buttrageous” to entice me into a sale. The following are real Craiglist listings that got me real riled up.

In the News: Sharks and Beer

A Great White Shark was spotted off the shores of Cape Cod [VIDEO]. In other news, Narragansett re-releases the iconic 1975 can from ‘Jaws’. Discuss.

Annear, Steve. “Video: ‘That Is a Huge White Shark, Dude’.” Bostonmagazine.com. 24 Jun. 2014. Web. 25. 2014

Glass, Jeremy. “Narragansett Re-Released Their 1975 Can From ‘Jaws’.” Supercompressor.com. 20. Jun. 2014. Web. 25. 2014

Urban Outfitters Launches 'Bike Shop' - Sells Artisan Booze Bags

We totes mcgoats bet these will be zooming around Allston this spring Urban Outfitters' Bike Shop

Hipster Mecca, Urban Outfitters, made the obvious move to include a new Bike Shop on their site, catering to the carbon footprint conscious by selling everything from designer rides to quirky accessories and fashionable storage options.

We especially like the Fyxation Bike Wine and Beer holders. Now you can tote your microbrews and vegan fermented grape juice efficiently, for all the world to see.

No to the Effing Way - Hi Fi Pizza Closed

Only the good die young, amiright? (image credit)

I mean, we haven't eaten here in over 12 years, we make gross-face whenever someone reminisces about eating here and actually told a member of Diarrhea Planet we'd recommend Cinderella's for pizza while sitting in here, but it saddens us to find out Hi-Fi Pizza in Central Square has closed.

Wicked Local Cambridge reports that after 40 years of rusty trusty service, the go to late night drunk punk pizza place across from The Middle East / TT's has shuttered its door. A lot of obvious shady details surround the closure but Property Manager Michael Simon of Central Property Management LLC, which owns 492 Massachusetts Ave., told the publication "the restaurant’s mechanics were not up to code and it would simply be too expensive to try to keep a restaurant in that location." Shock and awe...shock...and...awe. Read on for the full story.

On a separate note, Cinderella's sells Toscanini ice cream.

Rock Out With Your Cocktail Out Vol. XXI

Petite, delicious, punk rock. Oi Oi Oi! (Image credit)

Do you suffer from Chronic Polar Vortex Syndrome? Symptoms include numbness, loss of balance and weeklong Netflix binges. If so, non-medical tests have concluded that music and alcohol can help! Our "all lion, no lamb" March Rock Out With Your Cocktail Out playlist is an ideal addition to any Hashtag Fuck Snow party and includes locals like Ghost Thrower, Twin Berlin and OC45 (they all have shows coming up, go to them). Plus get seasonal with a Baby Guinness shot, a delicious concoction we first had while hanging out with Joe Sib and Dave Hause at Highland Kitchen after their set at the Somerville Armory a few years back. Cheers!

OMG IKEA? WTF!? Expedit Discontinued. Internet Explodes

The Mayans were wrong! The end of the world is now!

IKEA's recent announcement sent vinyl message boards, and German Facebook fan pages, into a flurry of OMG-level panic when the some-assembly-required particleboard furniture giant proclaimed the minimalistic shelving unit, EXPEDIT, would be discontinued. The Mayans were wrong! The end of the world is now! With a roughly 13.25" opening, this cubic bookshelf was an ideal storage solution for 12" records, and a much prettier option than milk crates.

Fear not! Per IKEA spokesperson Janice Simonsen and The Huffington Post, a replacement has been promised. The KALLAX (or the Expedit 2.0) "has the same internal sizes and uses the same internal fittings," and features rounded edges presumably to be more child-friendly, if you're into that sort of thing.

However, if you're a purist and a sucker for straight lines, don't worry. Like most IKEA products, the Expedit will likely continue to be found among it's various Swedish cousins in the used furniture section of Craigslist. Fun fact, if you push your driver's seat alllllll the way to the front, one 4X2 section of the Expedit fits PERFECTLY in a 2012 Honda Fit. You know, if death by airbag to the throat isn't a deal breaker.

We hope you like change...

Just for fun, Google "IKEA Expedit Panic"

Dressing for the Scene 101

Turn off your computer right now.

It has come to my attention that this article is in desperate need of being written. Ladies, consider this an intervention.You’re doing it wrong.

Bishop And Rook Guest DJs the 'Break Out Bands of 2014' Podcast For Mutiny on the Microphone

Tune into Boston podcast, Mutiny on the Microphone, for music
and informative tidbits about the local scene.

Oh geeze, someone let us talk on the radio.

Kristin discusses her predictions for breakout Boston bands of 2014 in this week’s Mutiny on the Microphone podcast!

We must be doing something right because Adam over at Mutiny and the Microphone was nice enough to let me stumble my way through a list of eleven bands that blew my mind in 2013 and can only get bigger in the New Year. I promise, only one kitten tangent. Not too shabby for our first podcast appearance.

Give the Gift of Local Art and Underlining Sarcasm

This season, find the prefect gift in art. From maps pertaining to regional identities, to disgruntled penguins and zombies, a local print can be the perfect gift for that 'hard to buy for' person.

David Buckley Borden combines the derogative expression of “Masshole” with a variety of Massachusetts’ soil horizons.

What Your Go-To Retailer Says About You

Wear your personality on your sleeve

Our clothes are a reflection of our personalities. What does your go-to retailer say about you?

Happy Birthday Kurt Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut would have been 91 today. Happy Birthday to my most favorite author / humanist / sarcastic old punk.

“If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I’m not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven’s sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” — A Man Without a Country

Read more quotes on Flavorwire.

My Vote For State Rock Song

If you haven't heard, Massachusetts is in line for an official rock song. The battle began after fans of The Modern Lovers' ‘‘Roadrunner,’’ a 1970s ode to the joys of driving along Route 128 late at night, launched a social media campaign. Which then prompted a backlash from Aerosmith fans to unfortunately vote in "Dream On". State Rep. James Cantwell has even taken time out of his schedule to be a co-sponsor of the "Dream On" bill. Mr. Cantwell represents Marshfield, MA. Ironically Steven Tyler, Joey Kramer and Brad Whitford own / have owned property in Marshfield. Small world. Like most Julie Kramer fans, I've been walking around thinking "Roadrunner" has been the unofficial state rock song for years. But if we're really going to vote on it, I'd like a few write ins. 

It's a good old fashion battle of the bands! Image Credit

How to Throw An End of the World Party

It’s time to party like it’s December 21st, 2012! Whether it’s happening or not, I’ve already started putting things off with the notion that the end of the world may set me back a few days. Procrastinators gonna procrastinate. So let’s do this up undergrad-style and make a party out of nothing!

Boston Bloggers August Event

It might just be the beer talking, but Boston Bloggers scene...I think I might have a crush on you.

As I had mentioned in my "Yeah It's Supposed to Look Like That" post, I was invited to my very first Boston Bloggers Meet and Greet on Monday at The Mass Ave Tavern. An acceptable 25 minutes of fashionable lateness, an Austin Powers parallel parking job (I admit, I accepted that challenge), and a whirlwind gust of subway air to blow my hair in my face as I walked into a sauna of a bar...here I am!